I've become comfortable with the idea that I thrive from chaos. Clutter and I go hand in hand like Lindsey Lohan and court dates. Buy me a weekend at a clean four star hotel room with a box of arts and crafts, leave me alone to dwell in my artistic madness, and you will return to confetti covered floors, glue sticks stuck to appliances, bed sheets strewn across the room, walls covered in magazine clippings, coffee burning in the coffee maker, and scissors and xacto knives resting so perfectly open on the floor just waiting for uncovered flesh to slice... An observer would see the destruction of 4 star quality into what you'd see at a run-down crack addict hobo motel. But I will stand up, look around the room, seeing only perfection, and feel at total peace...
I see my craft room like a dream catcher, I clutter my web with things I admire to keep the good energy around me and the negativity away. Mr. Psychoanalyst, is it an insecurity to surround myself with a cluttery chaos, building random obstacles of yarn, paints, xacto knives, and mounds of laundry (usually clean :\)? Don't get me wrong, I dont live in squalor. I don't have trash and rotting food laying around my house, nor do I have bugs infesting my place. It's 100% just clean clutter, aside from the occasional lack of dish cleanliness.
Since finding the love of my life and thus becoming an at-home-girlfriend/artist, I'm having trouble finding the comfortable balance of being a chaotic artist and being a Susie Homemaker. The first couple of months living in our first apartment together, I cleaned everyday as a routine. I knew my love would be home at 5:30 so I began cleaning at 2:30pm, had dinner started at 4:30pm, and showered and dressed up before he got home. Not only did I want to be presentable, but I wanted him to know I was at home doing "my part". I assume this is what happens to newly weds, at least to those who have one who stays home to do the house work.
Months later, finally feeling comfortable enough in my own skin to pursue my love of art, everything began changing. Slowly Susie Homemaker let go of her responsibilities, first starting with the dishes, letting them pile high. But, gosh darn didn't her art look amazing. Then the laundry became neglected, starting as small piles in the corners to then evolving into a sea of cotton and polyester. The more and more I dwelled inside the chaos of my creativity, the more Susie let herself go.
Now my art is beautiful and really taking off, but my house has suffered. I'm not only in the pursuit of my happiness, but in pursuit of the great almighty balance of life.
Ironically enough, the clutter has finally taken it's toll on me and is sucking the motivation right out of me. The part of me that feels guilty for the clutter is clashing with the part of me that thrives from it. The mess in my craft area is getting in the way of creating art. I've let myself dwell too long in my creative chaos and it's time to allow myself to resurface for a breath of fresh air.
It still amazes me how two adults can trash a place so easily. I guess the lack of motivation stems from when I do have the energy to clean it only take my boyfriend and I a few hours, not days, to have it cluttered up again!!! Plus, I also realized I have slight hording tendencies. My goal this week is to go through all my old crafts and clothes and get rid of or donate all of that which I never use.
Ya know, I guess there's nothing wrong with being both an artist and an at-home-lover. In my mind, I'll just spice up the old Susie, maybe spell her name with a "z" (Suzy), take down her beehive hairdo and make it into a messy bun, and splatter a bit of paint and dirt on her otherwise bleach clean apron. :)
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